I saw the bottom of my beer bottle. I saw the bottom of the stairs as I awoke from a black out. I saw the bottom of my empty glass that was always full. I saw the bottom when I wanted too. I saw the bottom on my terms. I saw the bottom when I was ready. I saw the bottom when I was willing. I saw the bottom when I was at my bottom. I saw my bottom!

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Can you relate to this? Can you say you felt this way? Can you say you denied this many times over? Did you see your bottom? My bottom began when I awoke from a drunken state on someone's kitchen floor. it was around 4 am in the morning and I woke up in someone's house with no idea where I was at or who's house I crashed at. It was the end of winter with sleeting rain and 20 degrees outdoors. Typical Cleveland weather that can occur at any time and any month... for instance it was April. My bottom was on a cold kitchen floor. My bottom filled with disgust. My bottom sent me wondering about my future as I walked home with no jacket, no purse, no money and no idea where I was heading for in my life. Back then I did not have a clue that truly I headed for a new life, a new beginning and mostly a new-found freedom called sobriety. I was completely done with the old life I had led for so many years. I was ready to change. I was willing to change. I was ready. Thank God I was ready! I thank you God.

Many have asked me how I became sober, what changed me what shook my core so much that I recovered in the way I have today. I say to them and those that wonder as they read about me in my blog that I CHOSE to let go, let God and became willing to want to listen, get help and seek guidance to change. However, I did not choose to become an alcoholic but chose to surrender in a way I could never explain. It was God doing for me that I could not do for myself! That is the only way I can explain it.

How come I got my bottom and others haven't? It was my time. I have had many bottoms and I feel others have too. The difference is when one is ready to see and learn from their bottom... that helps them get it, change it and seek help for it. In other words, I became mindful after that bottom I experienced. Meaning everything seemed so clear to me, which made everything fall into place there after. What makes some have a bottom, see their bottom, change from their bottom? In my opinion, when they become less of themselves with ego, pride and self-righteousness the ability to ask, seek help and know when you need help becomes more visible and easier to ask for. I feel when one has no where else to turn to... help becomes a friend. Help for one self becomes a cane then a crutch then a wheel chair that rolls them into the right direction. Moving freely without control, hesitation and anticipation. They open the door and a new life can begin. My bottom opened many doors and still does today. Yes, I still have bottoms but they are different bottoms. My bottoms are when I am sad and need to cry, when I become disappointed, when my expectations take over I have to regroup my thinking. These bottoms help me to grow spiritually, mentally and physically. My bottoms today help me to stay on track, see where I need to change and mostly stay humble. I have such gratitude knowing I can see my bottoms as a positive and no longer a negative because life is about growing no mater how old you are. I will always have bottoms to stay growing. Do you still have bottoms?

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Today I focused on weight lifting because it is alright to change my routine once in a while and realized that other ways of fitness or exercise can benefit my body even more.