https://i.imgur.com/l4JcRf7.jpg I sat alone here in a cafe near Madison Square Garden. Who doesn't know Andrew`s Coffe Shop. I looked around me, some of the young people looked at me with pity. I don't think it's a look of pity, but rather disgust. I don't know, maybe I think too much about their opinions about me. But it was ignorant with the opinions of most people, I was the one who lived my life. Everyone can only comment without them ever knowing what it's like to be us. Right right? I'm a single woman, 50 years living in New York city. Single is truly single, has never been married, related to dating or even having sex with men or women. Don't laugh at me, because that's the way it is. This is indeed New York City, a city full of reality. We live realistically not based on fairy tales. My story is also real, not a joke or a lie. What's wrong with living as a spinster in a city the size of New York. There is nothing strange in my opinion. But why look at me like a sad, sad woman. Just look at the young woman's gaze on the other side, she does look so beautiful with her purple dress but her behavior is not worth it. How can he talk about me while laughing at me with his friends. Basic young people today, do not know the name of manners. I have the right to sit here, in the middle of the bustle of this cafe I also have the right to enjoy the sweetness tonight. I just order as much food as possible, then I spend it all. Fuck the talk of the young men, tonight I just want to enjoy it. Today there will be a social gathering that we do regularly once a month. This time we are gathering in the city of Laura, which is in New York. I decided to take a plane with Anneth because only Anneth was one city with me. We are indeed a group of crazy women who are willing to fly away to gather once a month. This has been our routine since we went to college and lived together first. Even though the distance separating during that time can still be reached with common sense, then we will definitely take it. On the other hand, we are now very flexible women. How come? Look at me as a single, Laura who is now a widow. Anneth, her husband works in Melbourne, Nathalie is one house with her but her husband is very supportive, Olivia is her husband who works in Singapore. There is no reason for us not to gather, if we don't gather it feels like something is missing. Look like today, when Olivia can't gather because she visits her husband to Singapore. It's so sad when it's not complete. Tonight we gather in China Town. I was a little annoyed because Laura who lived here was the longest to come. Nathalie also wanted to cancel the appointment because Adam's son came home. Yes, I'm angry with Nathalie, I have her come because I can also come all the way from New York. For us, promise to keep an appointment. There are no lazy dictionaries, or delay with reasons for us. When the day is set, then anyone is obliged to come unless there is a reason that is indeed very sudden and important which causes him to not be able to come. Finally Nathalie came but she brought her granddaughter. So surprised we were that it turned out that Adam, the child I just sent to elementary school, had children. He said his girlfriend was pregnant and they decided to get married early. Nathalie agreed. Hearing that I felt a little insecure, young people were married. If only Arnold was still alive, maybe I already had a lot of grandchildren now, but no, I stopped that bad thought. I must remain grateful for the circumstances. That night our meeting was so fun, Nathalie's grandson was very funny too. Anxious to see him, named Kenzo by Nathalie. I know why Nathalie gave the name Kenzo to her grandson. Kenzo is Nathalie's ex-girlfriend who died on the battlefield while we were in college. Kenzo is a soldier who went to war and was seconded in Afghanistan. But unfortunately you have to fall on the battlefield. Nathalie loved her so much but Nathalie was finally able to move on and fall in love again until finally she married Mike and had three handsome children. Now Nathalie has three grandchildren who are very funny and Adam is Nathalie's smallest child. Wow, it really doesn't feel like that. If I think about my story and Nathalie more or less the same. We both died by our beloved. It's just that Nathalie was able to open her heart to another man while I was unable. That night our meeting was so pleasant. This is how we spend the rest of our lives telling stories, sharing, joking, mocking each other and most importantly, always with each other in conditions of joy and sorrow. That's what made our friendship last 27 years together. It didn't seem to show at 2:00 in the morning. I decided to sleep in Laura's house because tomorrow morning I had to go to the airport. Incidentally Laura's house is close to the airport. When Anneth and I arrived at Laura's house we were so surprised when we met a young man at Laura's house. Spontaneously me and Anneth screamed because they saw she was only wearing tight panties without wearing clothes. Damn Laura, it's still a habit from a long time ago. Always tastes with young men. He just laughed guiltily at me and Anneth. Then he introduced his lover, his name was Alfonso. Without lingering to disturb them, Anneth and I entered Laura's guest room. The size is big enough for both of us but it's very comfortable. I immediately lay down and slept because tomorrow morning I had a meeting with my client while Anneth still contacted her husband and said that he was staying at Laura's house. Indeed, yes, if we have a partner at least there is something we can say. The next day I went with Anneth to the airport, we had almost missed the flight because it had been our last call. Fortunately, today everything is going well. I arrived at my house at 11 o'clock at night. The atmosphere was quiet as if my household assistant had slept. I went to Celine's room, my only child. I opened the door of his room, apparently he too had slept. I then approached him, I kissed his forehead and looked at his face. Really time is so fleeting, now he has grown into a beautiful girl who is so charming. Celine is not the blood of my flesh, she is my niece who was left to die by her parents when she was 12 years old. It's been 13 years in front of me, it feels like seeing him grow up to be an adult is one of the happiest things I've ever experienced. Even though he was not conceived from my own womb, raising him gave me the meaning of the word mother and made me understand the true role of the father. Yes, I have been a single parent for him for 13 years. https://i.imgur.com/7WhVxO9.jpg The days passed as usual. I enjoyed my life and dissolved in my work as a fashion designer in the heart of America and now I started pioneering my career to Go International. You know for yourself, that time in New York feels much faster than in any part of the world. There is no such thing as tiring here. All humans race against time. Just as at this time it didn't feel a month had passed since our last social gathering. This time the social gathering was held in my city, New York and I asked to gather at my house. Every now and then out of the tradition for social gathering in a restaurant doesn't matter right? After all, there's nobody in the house besides me and Celine. I also asked Celine to accompany me. During this time Celine didn't really know about our routine social gathering and she also hadn't seen the four friends for a long time. Knowing that when he saw us at the social gathering, he was motivated to build healthy friendships with his friends now. Enduring friendship to old age. Today I go home sooner, I say goodbye to some of my employees who want to prepare our social gathering tonight. I was picked up by the driver to shop for kitchen needs at Walmart. Today I will make steaks, macaroni pizza, pastrami and black and white cakes. I also ordered gelato from my favorite Italian ice shop. Today I'm very enthusiastic and excited, I haven't held a banquet at home for a long time. Yesterday I did not entertain my brother at the event thanks giving because I had to take part in an exhibition in Paris. Think of this as a substitute for the program thanks to me, so I will entertain them all until I'm satisfied. Besides working as a designer, I'm also a woman who really likes cooking. My cuisine has always been recognized by anyone, long ago before I was as successful as this. I had opened a small restaurant in Chicago to continue the needs of my life. Understandably, we have been taught to be independent from childhood. At that time my father did not agree I went to college in the fashion design section, said father the cost is very expensive because of that I decided to open a restaurant. Fortunately, many like my food, not to mention I opened this small restaurant in an area that is doing development. As a result, my restaurant is always surrounded by construction workers and contacts around there. The advantage of selling food is what ultimately led me to become a fashion design student until finally I was able to become one of the fashion designs that was quite calculated in a city the size of New York even in the international arena. https://i.imgur.com/marQwcQ.jpg It was a tiring day but also very exciting. After half a day of cooking assisted by Celine and our household assistant, finally delicious and ready-to-eat food filled the backyard. The grill for the barbecue was also prepared by Celine while I went to take a shower and dress up. When I was finished bathing, apparently Celine was still engrossed in arranging the dishes and the arrangement of the food. Then I asked him to take a bath and make a mark because today I really wanted to announce Celine's marriage to my four best friends. Around 7:30 they had come to my house. I was so surprised when I saw them coming together to my house. And today also wear the same shirt, maroon red. It's really like them like this, but I'm happy because that's the proof they are enthusiastic about for this gathering. Then I invited them into the house. They tried to observe every detail of my house, as if they had never been here. The inside of my house is still the same as before, nothing has changed. What I am renovating is only the garden and of course this one part can make them surprised. They were amazed by my new design. I had just renovated a year ago because I felt bored with my flat atmosphere. I installed a small pavilion near the pool, then I patched the tumblr lamp in the pavilion also on the small evergreen tree on the right and left sides of the pavilion. Then I added a fish pond where in the middle there was a fountain made of rocks. They were still talking about my beauty until they forgot to eat. Then I took them to a white round table, I asked Ana to serve all the food for them while I turned on the music. Tonight our laughter was also accompanied by The Beatless song. This song is our favorite song since college. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that we are not a department. We were close because we were in a dormitory. They are very satisfied with the dishes that I made, from the beginning it was always like that. I am the cook for all of them during our college days. They always say I'm wrong, I better not just be a designer chef. That night we ate very heartily. I was so happy when I saw them satisfied. Then I called Celine from the living room, who had been busy joking with Ana. I announced to them that Celine would be married in two weeks. They were really happy to hear happy news from my child but I was a little sad because Anneth felt a little disappointed. Indeed, Anneth really wants me to match Celine with her youngest child, David. But indeed the matchmaking never happened because at that time Celine had been dating her boyfriend now who would be her future husband. Celine also felt uncomfortable with Anneth, luckily Laura immediately melted away. He said that he was willing to find a mate for David and Anneth, of course, disagreeing that Laura was looking for a mate for her child. Because, who doesn't know Laura. Old women who like popcorn, especially we all know that David is very handsome. Laura might tempt David. Finally, the debate between Laura and Anneth made us laugh. That's how we are, there is always someone who melts the atmosphere when things are really very tense so there is never a big fight going on. If the problem of checking is a bit ordinary, we also call humans who live with other humans who are different in character from us. We continue our program with barbecues together. When the meat is ripe and ready for processing, we sit back on the round table covered in white paint. They thank you for the dish I served tonight. I was relieved that they were satisfied but somehow the situation suddenly fell silent and turned tense. Especially when Nathalie wants to talk to me often. I was curious and a little tense, piling into my mind the question "Am I wrong to them?". They asked me to get married because they were worried that no one would take care of me. They are worried that I will feel lonely because I am alone. I honestly also have that concern but I will still hold on to my commitment not to connect with other men. I replied that I could not. I explained to them how much I loved Arnold and I had no more love that I could share with other men. No matter how hard I try it still can't. Then they asked me to just try sex first. They said that love could have grown when it began with sex. But how can I start having sex with other men if I reply to a message to another man who invited me to date, that guilt has arisen. Especially if I say yes to having sex with them, it could be that I'm guilty of guilt for the rest of my life. After I explained that I was happy with my situation now. I never felt lonely because I had Celine, they, my maid were also my personal driver, an employee in my office. They say that they are relieved, the important thing is that they don't want to see me sad. They said. Be the five of us hugging at that time. I'm so happy with this friendship. They are my second family after Celine. I hope that our friendship will last until death separates. At 11pm, they decided to go home. Some drivers were picked up, and their husbands were picked up by their children. I asked Ana and Celine to lose because I was too tired. To be honest I'm not tired on the body, but in my mind. I closed my room then I threw myself on the bed. My eyes glazed upward, then without realizing my tears dripped flowing down my cheeks. My chest feels tight and honestly I really miss Arnold right now. I opened my cellphone then I looked for the picture. I kiss my cellphone screen then I hug. I really miss him. Really miss him a lot. That night I shouted in real time in my room, I felt that all this was still unfair to me. No matter how hard I try to be strong, I cannot lie that I am a human who needs a partner, who needs love and who needs attention. I burst out crying, tonight I really miss him. If yesterday I had forgotten because of my busy life. Now I'm back to remember my lover. To be honest, I'm so jealous of all the couples in this world. They can embrace their partners, can embrace while I can only imagine. I loved him deeply, it felt like my whole heart was filled with him so there was no place for another man. I really did not intend to relate to other men because in his navel I had promised that he was the only one in my heart. My commitment to faithfully love her even until I close my eyes later. My commitment not to leave her even under any circumstances. My commitment to never replace his position in my heart with any man. For me, keeping that commitment is not an easy thing. For twenty years I continued to be shaken by foreigners even today there are still widowers and unmarried men who invited me to foster a household with them. But you know one thing, only he is in my heart. Guilt and guilt against him always come so when I try to get in touch with any man. I still remember one time, when I first started a career as a fashion designer after I finished college. I met a new man who was an editor at one of the leading magazines. His name is Benjamin, he is very handsome and kind. Our intense meetings and chat or even Skype at night made me forget Arnold. It felt like I was so happy at the time because I finally found one person who could replace Arnold's position. Our friends also know that Benjamin likes me, some of them say I'm lucky because Benjamin likes me. At first I really thought so. But the more days I had a relationship with Benjamin, the more I felt empty. On the other hand I am happy, but on the other hand there is a strange feeling. Until finally I often dream of meeting Arnold. Since that incident I realized that I had betrayed my promise to him. Finally I decided not to relate to Benjamin anymore. Even though it was initially hard for him but in the end he accepted my decision. The last time I found out, Benjamin was married 3 years after parting with me. I'm happy with him too. Let me tell you a little about my lover, his name is Arnold Caesar, my best friend since childhood. He is a body guard who has always guarded me since we were sitting in a kindergarten bench. Until the last second he closed his eyes, he never let me cry at all. He was never willing to allow grains of tears to flow past my cheeks. He said I was too beautiful to cry. I still remember clearly when we were in the fifth grade of elementary school. I fell because I stumbled on a rock while playing with my friend. Do you know what happened? He ran from a soccer field 50 meters away from my position just to help me. My knee is injured and the pain is not playing. You must have felt it called wounds and abrasions. If you feel the pain, your tears may flow out. That's what I felt at that time. Still sitting on the ground and trying to stop the blood flowing on my knees using my school uniform. At that time I wasn't fully aware of what was happening until the pain slowly appeared. My legs feel tingling and getting sore. Plus I saw him running toward me. For some reason my tears broke out immediately, then she gently rubbed my head and hugged me softly. How can a little kid like him do that. But that's him, for me he is like a Guardian Angel who is always ready to help and protect me whenever and wherever it is. With him I feel comfortable and certainly safe. I was still crying while he swiftly took a bottle of drink from our class and poured it on my feet covered in blood and sand. He said that my feet were not infected so that the worms on the ground would not enter my body. Then he took a hand towel from his pocket which he always carried every day and wiped his wound. Then he blew my wound until his blood completely stopped flowing. If I remember that incident, I can laugh myself. You can imagine my position as an elementary school child who is ill and persuaded in this way. Spontaneous crying exploded. It feels like to blow it up, so that a sense of relief approached me. Then he innocently returned to hug me and rub my head. I was so surprised from where he could do that. Does he mostly watch television? Or does he often see his parents hugging? What was clear was that I was so embarrassed by his ridiculous behavior. Since then I have always been dubbed his girlfriend even though he just officially became my girlfriend when we were going to college. I still clearly remember the incident. At that time we had LDR because he was going to study in Sydney to join his parents while I settled in New York. And you know, the process of saying the version of love is also very unique. Well, that's how he is. My friends, who always have their own ways to make me happy. That morning in front of my house he came and would say goodbye to go to Sydney, the plane would be flying this afternoon. It's not like he usually acts like that. He was so nervous, I thought it was just a pre-parting syndrome. But in fact at that time he wanted to express his love for me. We sat in the garden in front of my house while enjoying my homemade cold syrup. That afternoon I was so tired because I had just finished selling. He called my name nervously, at that time I responded mediocre because I didn't know that he would express his feelings to me. Then he looked into my eyes and said very slowly that he loved me. I replied in a relaxed tone and said that there was no way he would not love me as we were together since childhood. Then he explained that it was not what he meant. Unfortunately what he meant was to love men to women, unfortunately as a lover. At that time I could only be silent, to be honest this was the thing I wanted most. The moment where he finally expressed his feelings to me because I also really loved him. However, I didn't expect that he would reveal it today. To be honest I'm very happy right now but I refused because I wanted to know how his reaction to my rejection. I still clearly remember how his face when I refused him. He ran away from me, he was ashamed and annoyed at me. Then I shouted and said that I wanted to be his lover. He spontaneously ran to hug me. For the first time I saw her crying in tears of happiness. He whispered to me that he would always look after me and make me happy. Then he hugged me tightly again and it felt so comfortable. I can't explain how it feels if there's no Arnold on my days. At first it was so heavy, our LDR was really painful. Because I always miss him while he is very busy with his studies. But all of us were successful because our communication was never interrupted. It didn't feel like four years had passed and he returned to New York. He worked in one of the Startup companies which at that time was growing very rapidly and four months later proposed to me. I was so happy because I could go back with him. No need to be miserable miss again. No need to feel lonely anymore, because soon he will always be with me and I will always see him when I open my eyes for the first time in the morning. That's what I dreamed of all this time. Soon all those dreams will soon be reached. But who would have thought, a big incident was unexpectedly coming over to us. I was even more afflicted with longing for a month before our wedding he had an accident. At that time he used a bicycle to go to the fitness center around his house. When he was about to turn right, suddenly the red car came from another direction. It turned out that the car was driven by a 16-year-old boy who was drunk. Arnold's condition was so critical and immediately rushed to the hospital. I didn't expect that I would part with him. Not just a year or two, but forever. Arnold let out his last breath without having time to say the first word to me. Can you imagine what I've felt since then? Until this moment my life has never been the same again. A year after his departure I was so depressed. Everyone is concerned about my situation. As if I lost my purpose in life. Wherever I go all the places always remind me of him. I don't know how many tears have come out. Now the guard of my tears is gone, it seems like the tears that have never come out after years have all overflowed. Even though my tears overflowed and nothing was left but the pain that I felt was still attached. Every night I always hold back longing, fight my memories and end up blaming myself. My parents were so concerned about me because I never left the room and was always pensive. They decided to take me to a psychiatrist and undergo self-recovery therapy. Step by step I live until finally I begin to recover. I began to learn to make peace with my past. I began to be able to see the world back and began to smile again. Even though it's not easy but I can go back to work and continue my life. I am grateful to have people who always support me. Everything is back to normal, only one has never changed. I will not forget Arnold. Forever only he is in my heart and I am committed not to get married. I'm sure someday he will meet him in eternity. Apart from memories of him who always looked after me, Celine's presence was now more adequate for me. I do not need to get married because I do not feel alone, there is a shadow that always accompanied me even though I was often afflicted with longing that was very deep. https://i.imgur.com/JbWP0ZD.jpg Even though I am getting more complete today, because the child I have raised so far myself will soon officially become someone's wife. He is a child who is so beautiful, intelligent and well-mannered. I was not surprised by that because his biological mother who was my own sister was exactly the same as him. During this time I only lived alone with him. At least the presence of him in my life made me understand for what I really worked hard all this time. On the other hand, setting up a home for orphans and sending children who are not able to afford it, of course raising a child has its own taste for my life. Today he looks so beautiful and I'm really happy. Soon he will soon become someone else's wife and of course there is a sadness for me. After this I will return alone again because he must continue his life with the man he so loved. At least I was relieved to take him off my arms because I was sure he was in the arms of the best man. https://i.imgur.com/Duf9soq.jpg THE END Author : Robby chandra Please advise the steemit to provide input for this story, thank you