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In the Mind of a Mad Man Who Blows His Crypto Wad

Ryan James Robinson

I can’t fucking believe it. What was I thinking? Twenty-Five grand! Are you kidding me? No, I’m not kidding. This is fucking serious. But it was a lock. A sure thing. A sure thing? There’s no such thing as a sure thing, you dumb fuck. But it was in the bag. Shit was going up and up and up! No need to close any positions, just ride that train into the sunset, right? Twenty-Five Large just like that. And it wasn’t even mine. All these fucking whales cashing out their shit! Don’t they know this is my life we’re talking about here? Of course they don’t know about you, you sorry douche. To them twenty-five k is chump. To me it’s my life. I did diligent research all week. The money’s not even mine. Twenty-Five dimes. Oh god, what was I thinking? I told you trading on margin was a bad idea! You weren’t thinking, you stupid bastard. No, I thought too much. I need something fast. Quick, anything, something. Fuck, I need to think!

Twenty-Five Grand. That’s a lot of coin! I already had it spent, for Christ’s sake. I was going to get those goddamn creditors off my back. God, they’re like vultures. They can kiss my ass now because they’re never getting any money from my ass. How the fuck am I going to come up with twenty-five g’s!? I don’t even have a job. Old Anderson, that mother fucker. If he hadn’t fired me I wouldn’t be in this goddamn predicament. I should rob his ass! No, he doesn’t have shit. Fuck, what about Don Fingle, wait Felicia’s father! I’ll hold his shit up. No, wait! I can’t do that, it’s a felony. They’ll throw my ass up-state then throw away the key. Well, that’s better than the Vicazzio’s getting hold of your sorry ass. Where they’ll throw you, you’ll never be found! Hell, that might even fly. If I do get caught I might be able to say I was forced into the robbery because I feared for my life. It’s like self-defense in a way. But, I’m not about to get caught.

Nobody told you to borrow that kind of money from the neighborhood shylock asshole! But this was the uptick of the century right? You were so fucking smart. Come in right at the very top. Blow borrowed money. Brilliant. Hey, this is my life we’re talking about here. And what the hell is more important than my life!? I’m not about to go and fuck this all up. Sure you’re not you fucking asshole. You fuck everything up. Everything you touch turns to shit. Shut the fuck up, I’m trying to think positive.

Why does that woman insist on coming over here every thirty fucking seconds to see if I’m all right? If I wanted anything, don’t you think I would fucking ask? She must really be trying to annoy me! Sure, that douche-lick over there. He looks like a sorry bastard. I’ll just annoy that douche. That’ll make me feel better. Shut the fuck up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. She’s just doing her job. But she keeps looking at me with that god-awful blank stare. ‘Are you alright?’ she keeps saying. Well, my coffee cup has been empty for fifteen minutes. Should I have to spell it out for her? She must only have a third-grade education!

“More coffee, hun?”

“Sure, that would be great. Thanks.”

You’re too fucking nice, you piece of shit. What, you think by saying thank you she’s going to fall to her knees, yank out your prick and start sucking? Shit man, you haven’t gotten laid in over three years! She is kind of fine, though. Look at that short dumb-looking pink dress that all broads wear in this sort of joint. I bet she’s got a thong on. No, she isn’t wearing any panties at all. She’s just aching to get fucked. Hey asshole! Will you keep your eye on the fucking ball? What’s more important, that stupid bitch that looks like the product of incest or that jewelry outfit across the street that you’re about to hit?

I just need to look over my Crypto articles really quick and then I can get on the move. Any good upcoming ICO’s? Gotta get in on the ground floor. With what money you stupid jerk!? You pissed away your wad like a two dollar win ticket. You’ll never be in the game again. Oh ya? I’m about to come into a windfall that’ll make that twenty-five look like chicken-feed. Sure you are Mofo.

Look at all these fucking people. It’s like a goddamn parade. Too many fucking people. Fuck! This is not going to work! Look at all these schmoes, schlubs. A bunch of goddamn schlubs. What the fuck are they all doing? It’s three o’clock on a Monday for christsakes! Shouldn’t they be working? What a bunch of lazy assholes. Look at that guy. What a sorry excuse. Look at how he just staggers about. Where the fuck do you suppose he’s going? Where’s he got to go? Probably to get cat food for his feline friends. Motherfucker like that has cats. Or maybe an iguana or wait, he probably has a goddamn ferret that he puts down his fucking britches to get off on. That sorry bugger goes ballistic while he sits imagining some bondage-crazed bitch bashing his balls with a flyswatter. People are so fucked! I should follow this fuck home and put him out of his misery. I’d be doing him a favor. I wonder if he’s ever had a .38 stuffed down his fucking throat? Fuck that stupid ass reject. If I don’t get some fucking funds quick I’m the one who’s going to have a .38 jammed down my fucking throat. And whose throat is more important anyway!?

It seems to be quieting down now. Good thing he stays open ‘till eight. Well good for me, not so good for him. I’m just going to go right in there and take the delivery that according to Felicia arrives every fucking Monday. It’s amazing what some fucknut will tell you when she’s got a few too many wine coolers in her! Thanks to Boone’s Farm, I know Felicia’s father sits on about fifty grand every Monday after he’s levied some stones. Fuck, I should also get some stones. Some ice. Nah! I don’t know how to move that shit anyway. The dark web dude! You can move anything on the dark web. Pull up Tor and bam! You couldn’t move a dildo on a whore bro! Whatever. Just the sack or the briefcase or whatever it is. They will never know what hit them. It will be all Felicia’s fault. She should have fucked me when she had the chance. Oh well, now she’s fucking her dad. Maybe he will disown her. Dumb bitch deserves whatever she gets. Why do women play so hard to get anyway? Women are just a bunch of cock teases. If it wasn’t for women you wouldn’t even be here, you dumb fuck. Ya, but that’s all women are good for is bearing children. I can’t even believe they are allowed to vote. The only thing that matters to them is who’s better looking. Leave the important decisions to smart men like myself!

Ok, it’s getting dark. It’s time to go. This is going to go flawlessly. I was born for this shit! You didn’t even do any research, you stupid fucker. You don’t even know who’s in there. Who cares? After all, I’ve got the equalizer. Oh ya, I’m sure someone sitting on thousands in precious gems doesn’t have a gun! That’s fucking brilliant. Stop worrying. Worrying is for saps. I’m not a sap, I’m a go-getter. Now let’s go get that fucking loot before I lose my nerve.

“What the fuck! Just shut the fuck up!!”

“You ought to be ashamed of yourself, y-you hood!”

“Lenny, is that you? I know it’s fucking you Lenny, just cut the shit!”

Fuck, two bitches! And Felicia, no less. And some old ass nag picking out opal earrings. I have often wondered about opals. No…what’s interesting is pearls. It’s amazing that they have figured out how to literally grow pearls. And black pearls, now they sure are something. Fuck! I need to get this situation under control fast!

“Ok, you two bitches! I want both of you to shut the fuck up. If you don’t shut the fuck up I’m going to stuff those pearl earrings down your fucking throat! And you…”

“Opals you fool, opals. You don’t even know what you’re talking about. And your language. I’ve never heard such an obscene…”

“Enough!”

“Lenny, what the fuck are you doing!?”

“And you, bitch! I don’t know this fucking Lenny you keep referring to but I have a name and it’s not fucking Lenny!”

“Oh yeah, then what the hell is it?”

Oh shit, quick man, think.

“Derrick, yeah Derrick! It’s fucking Derrick, alright!? Now shut the fuck up about it! Now where the fuck’s the case!?”

She’s afraid- you got her on the ropes. Just a few more minutes and the money’s as good as mine.

“What fucking case?”

“Ya, you baboon, what case?”

“I told you to shut the fuck up!!”

That should show her. She’ll wake up with a nasty headache but at least she’ll wake up.

“Now it’s just you and me, sweetie! Now for the last time, where the fuck is the fucking case?!”

“If you’re referring to the money we talked about, Lenny, then tough fucking shit! It’s in that room back there and I don’t have access!”

Ok, ok, it’s ok. I’ll just shoot a round or two through that safety window. Then I’ll just climb through and get the money.

“And before you get any stupid ideas about shooting through the glass, you should know that it’s bullet proof."

“Sure it is, bitch!”

Fuck! That bitch really is bullet proof! Fuck man, what am I going to do now man? Think man, think!

“Give me all you got in the register as well as all the jewelry in the display cases! And hurry the fuck up!”

Oh shit. Fuck! Felicia! I think I hit Felicia, shit!

“Hey Felicia, I mean, hey bitch, are you alright!?”

Oh God, oh fuck, oh shit, oh man, fuck man. I think I just killed Felicia! Damn man I need to get the fuck out of here! Wait, get the money in the register first. Fuck! How do I get this damn thing open?

“Hey bitch, how do I open this thing!?”

Wait, is she even still alive? Oh shit man, look at her eyes flickering. Oh shit man she’s fucked! Maybe I should just shoot her again and put her out of her misery. Fuck her misery! If she had just cooperated in the first place there wouldn’t be two bitches lying on the ground and I wouldn’t still be broke. At least smash into the case and get some of the jewelry. Oh fuck, an alarm! Oh shit man! I got to get out of this place.

Ok, ok man just get the fuck out of site. Around here… Fuck, man, I’m out of shape. Ok, I swear to god when I get through this shit I’m going to turn over a new leaf. I’m going to go to the gym every day and I’m going to take up new hobbies like rock climbing. Ya, rock climbing. I’ll go out west and just climb the days away. Fuck computers! Fuck this blockchain bull shit! The future? Not my fucking future. It’ll be great. Hike to the top of a peak, watch the sunset. Totally disconnect. Completely off the grid.

Shit man, that’s a siren!? Fuck, fuck, multiple sirens. Keep going man, just a few more blocks and then you can slow down. I’ll slow down then just mingle in with the crowd. Just like nothing ever happened. Why the fuck is everybody looking at me? Haven’t they ever seen a grown man running before? Look out bitch! Ew, damn, I just hit that bitch hard. I was like Larry Csonka coming through the middle on that one. She got laid out. She was just talking on the cell phone not paying any attention of course like a typical chick and blam! Everyone else seems to be paying attention to me. I wonder what was so important on the other end of her cell not to notice the crazed maniac charging down the street. It’s amazing how self- involved people are. You have to wonder about some people. People are so fucked. Keep going! Fuck, my heart is going to explode!

Focus, fuck nut! Breathe, dammit. Ok, ok I’ve got to rest. Over here, into the hotel, ya, ya you got it right in through the goddamn revolving door, and over here...

“Hold that elevator!”

Great. Two bitches. All dressed to the nines. Jesus Christ, look at that bracelet! It must have cost a fortune, and the earrings the other tramp is wearing. Jesus Christ, these chicks must be loaded. Fuck that! Their husbands are loaded, these skanks are just whoring themselves for money. No better than hookers. While their husbands are at work slaving away, they have Fabian the pool boy fucking their pussy’s silly on the California king decked in three thousand dollar linen that the sucker husband paid for. WAIT!

“Would two lovely ladies such as yourselves care to buy some jewelry?

Hell ya. Woman like this, these millennials nowadays, they’re in the know, I bet they have bitcoin. One of them probably has a coinbase wallet on their iphone. They obviously love jewelry. A transaction with no middlemen. No large amount of cash needed. Shit ya, they can just pay me in bitcoin. See, that’s what I’m fucking talking about!

Oh fuck! Shit, I didn’t mean to spill all this shit. Fuck, they’re going to think I just stole all this shit. No wait, they think I’m cool, it’s cool.

“Jesus Christ, dude, what’ya just rob a jewelry store or something? For fuck’s sake, man! Yo Carrie Ann, get us off this elevator pronto!”

Fucking stupid bitches! They don’t know how good of a deal I would have given them. ‘Yo Carrie Ann, get us off this elevator pronto.’ What a stupid bitch. Nice name, Carrie Ann. You need to have two fucking names? What a bitch! These stupid bitches don’t have bitcoin. What was I fucking thinking? Chicks like this don’t know their armpit from their ass hole. Cutting edge technology? Please!

“Hey, tell me what Ethereum is!”

“Carrie Ann, look at this guy. He’s picking up a wad of jewelry that just burst out of his bag, like a frantic maniac, and then he looks up at me and asks me what Ethereum is. Well, I just happen to know Ethereum is a distributed public blockchain network designed for the intent of building decentralized applications or DApps. I just happen to own a little ether myself.”

“Touché.”

Fuck, I didn’t realize how hard I was breathing. Jesus, they must have thought I was crazy. Thought you were crazy? You are crazy, you stupid whacko! No I’m not, I’m perfectly sane. I will just stroll out of this hotel like nothing ever happened. But fuck man, what am I going to do? Ok, breathe man breathe, ok think! Felicia was dead, man. She was dead, she couldn’t have told anybody it was me. Fuck, even if she wasn’t dead she didn’t really know it was me. I’m clear man I’m clear. Ya, but what about the Vicazzio’s? It’s ok, I’ll just sell off the jewelry quick. It’ll be no problem to raise the vig, that’ll buy me a week, that’ll give me plenty of time to think a way out of this. You don’t even know what you have asshole! It might not even be real. It's probably costume jewelry. Fuck, whatever man I’ll deal with it. First, I just need to get the fuck out of here! I’ll go home, regroup then do some important thinking. I’ll think of a way out of this mess.

Ok, I’m almost breathing normal. My heart seems to be back to a relatively normal rate. I’ll just waltz on out of here like I own the joint. Fall back in with the crowd as it were.

“Freeze, Motherfucker!”

Oh shit, how did they find me man? Damn! Ok wait. Man, they won’t really shoot me. I didn’t mean to shoot Felicia, they’ll know I hit her with a ricochet. Fuck, look at all these cops. Jesus this would be a good time to pull a robbery because every cop on the beat has his gun pointed at me. I’m just two steps from that revolving door. I’ll just lunge back in then find a back door to the hotel. I’ll be gone like a flash. Lost in the shuffle. Just throw your hands up like you’re cooperating. That’s it. Ya, they’ll buy it. Ok just a little longer, here comes one now.

“Get on the ground, get on the ground now motherfucker!”

Man this guy sure is agro. He’ll be all bummed when I escape through the hotel. I’ll just wait ‘till he’s almost on me then I’ll burst into the hotel. He’ll go home and cry in the lap of his wife because he’s such a failure. Anybody who has a gun pointed at me will feel like a failure. I’m nobody’s fool, for Christ’s sake! God, look at the veins on this guy’s forehead. What a freak. Ok, he’s close, just another second. Ok, go!

Mother fucker, bitch ass motherfucker! That mother fucker shot me in the back! Fuck that hurts! Well at least I’ll end up in the hospital instead of jail. It’ll be much easier to escape from the hospital. I’ll be able to escape no problem. Oh fuck this hurts! Ah, a knee in my back! Not bad. When i get through this I've got to take up martial arts. Yea martial arts. Ju jitsu. Ju jitsu. That's fun to say, ju jitsu. Ah, my mind is starting to blank out. I have to think of a way out of this. Oh fuck, its hard to think! Blanking out. Shit man, I can’t think, I can’t think, I can't think…