It might not be the most appropriate way to introduce myself and this actually is quite a serious and personal life story. Currently I'm 21 and in this blog I share the story of me discovering my homosexual feelings. In this blog post, I mainly focus on my thoughts and feelings as a teenager. I've had a pretty awesome life all this time, but at the same time I struggled with those feelings. It has been a red wire in my life, a red wire which has had a lot of influence on my decisions. Decisions that have shaped me into the self-confident, passionate and unique person I am today. But believe me, a lot has happened before it came up to that.

An ordinary boy

I grew up on a farm in a small village in the Netherlands. I have always seemed to be an ordinary boy, no different than any others of my age. I was an extravert boy, I used to play soccer, videogames, played with Lego and I had enough friends at primary school.

Believing was not too difficult as a child

Every Sunday, since the day I remember, my brother, sister, parents and I went to church. We used to learn about religion and about a loving eternal God in heaven, a father who sent his beloved son to our world to die for our sin. During those years, we learned the meaning of sins, Gods’ expectations of us and our life purpose as Christians. Believing was not too difficult as a child. A weekly church visit, a yearly Christmas playlet and every summer we used to go on church camp.

This is temporarily, it will pass over

Like many other boys at my age, my life changed when I went to high school. A new school, new friends, but most important.. new girls! My puberty wasn’t quite the same as others’. I saw my friends starting to show-off, they became more and more interested in girls, started talking about them and some of them already had sex. In the first years of high school, I became aware of the fact that I felt different than the other boys in my class. Since I were 12 years old, I became more and more aware of my feelings. In the beginning it felt innocent, but it got worse.

I didn’t want to be different, don’t we all want to belong and be part of the group? Well, I believe most people want to be appreciated, especially during puberty. I couldn’t believe it. Me? Gay? Never! This is temporarily, it will pass over.

"I didn't want to be different, we all want to belong."

Changing my behaviour

I forced myself to have a girlfriend and started to behave more masculine. “As long as I didn’t give any attention to my feelings, they wouldn’t be there, right?”

As I changed my behavior, I became unhappier and deeply insecure. “It will pass over!” I kept telling myself. To me, this all was still unreal.

A Crush?

My relationship with a girl ended quite swiftly. At an age of 15, my feelings became very serious. When I thought it couldn't get worse, I fell in love with a boy in my class. I couldn’t tell him....

“Imagine what he would answer? The chance of someone being gay is like 3% and the chance of him telling me is even lower, especially around this age. And if I would tell him and he weren’t gay, or even if he were, he would laugh at me and would probably tell everyone about it.”

For the first time, God felt far away

Before that time, during most moments in my life when I felt bad, I could find shelter in my faith. I had learned to pray to God and share everything that was on my mind. I really loved to pray because I could tell everything to someone up there who would never tell my secrets to friends, parents or anybody else. But for the first time in my life, God felt far away. This problem felt like one for which I couldn’t ask help from God… I felt alone.

How to be ‘healed’?

I became aware of how the Bible speaks about gay people. I really wanted to find out stuff so I went searching on the Christian websites:

“Can homosexual feelings be temporarily?”
“What is the cause of homosexual feelings?”
“How can I be healed?”

I was 100% sure that these feelings were wrong and they had to go away, this wasn’t me! Most results on the internet pointed out that my homosexual feelings could either be a curse, disease or a result of sexual abuse. Science also ‘proved’ that homosexual feelings are related to having an overly weak father or overly dominant mother during youth. Oh and of course, if it wasn’t one of those reasons, it could also be that I was possessed by a demon.

A thousand times..

The only possible options during that time seemed to be:
1. Staying single or
2. Marry a girl.

My first priority was to become heterosexual and the only way to do so, was by praying to God. It feels like I’ve been praying to God a thousand times asking that he would turn me into a heterosexual. I believed he could, and he would, if my faith were strong enough. During those years we went to a new church, a Baptist church where I became part of a Christian friend group. I started participate in the holy communion and my parents were baptized in Israel when I was 16. That time was quite in an “up-period” of my faith. I often told God that if he would change me, I would follow him my entire life, there was nothing I wanted so badly!

I hooked up with many girls

Around one year later when I turned 17, I became more interested in parties, drinking, smoking and making new friends. I decided to be less occupied with my homosexual feelings and decided to focus on enjoying life. During this time, I still felt insecure and I was afraid that other people might find out about my secret. I hooked up with many girls, because I didn’t want to be suspicious to my surroundings. I also wanted to find out whether I could be with girls the way straight guys are with girls.

During this time, I became fully sure that my feelings weren’t temporarily, this really is me. It made me aware but it did not result into me accepting myself. I felt bad and when people looked at me somehow I always felt like they knew about my secret. Anytime someone laughed, I thought they were laughing at me being gay. When someone used the word “gay”, I often started to blush and felt uncomfortable. Despite the fact I didn’t accept myself yet, I imagined how it would be like to actually come out. I was afraid to disappoint my parents, my sister or my brother. My friends might no longer want to be friends and what if I wouldn’t be accepted by the people from my hometown? My church wouldn’t accept me being gay. Coming out felt like no option, I was sure I had to keep this a secret for the rest of my life.

One of my best friends came 'out'

After some months, during summer time, a good friend came out. We were at a party and we were drinking some beers. The good friend approached me and said: “Oh I already told everyone tonight, but I should tell you too, I’m gay.” I was quite mad and wondered myself: “How could he tell me such an important thing at a party?” We had been friends all of our lives and to my opinion this is not just something you tell to your friends in a drunken situation at a freaking party!? After coming out, this friend turned away, moved to a large city and from my perspective he more or less lost himself there. As far as I know he now uses a lot of drugs and is not even close to happy.

Quite unexpectedly..

The time after my friend told me about him being gay was difficult. “One of my best friends had the same struggles all this time?” It was difficult to understand but I was amazed about the fact that he was so down-to-earth about it. It did inspire me in a way and I started realizing it shouldn't matter that much.

Those weeks were quite emotional and I considered coming out to my parents a several times. Finally, at an age of 17, after a fierce quarrel with my mom, we were sitting in the garden and I quite unexpectedly told her about my homosexual feelings…… from that day my life changed…..

We all have to face our obstacles

Hopefully, I can contribute to this wonderful network as I believe my teenage years have molded me into a self-confident, conscious, passionate individual. I had to think about the purpose of life, happiness, faith, family and friendships since quite a young age. I’m not saying that my life was more difficult than other lives. I mean, we all have to face our obstacles and struggles in life and I believe it will only help us grow. In the end, you just have to face them and become who you were meant to become.

In this blog post, I shared how I experienced my time as a Christian teenager with homosexual feelings. In my next post, I hope to share how coming out has changed my life, why I still believe in God and how this has changed me into a better and stronger person.

If you enjoyed reading this part of my story, please let me know! In my next post, I will write about:
- How my life has changed since I came out
- Why I still believe in God and how I believe this can go hand in hand with homosexuality

#introduceyourself #life #religion #philosophy #gay