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So recently I made a video answering a question from a reader. The reader was feeling totally overwhelmed at the prospect of asking a girl out. My video basically stated that he needed to take the pressure off himself – and her. He needed to just relax and let things happen organically. They were clearly attracted to one another, but he was totally in his head trying to guarantee he didn’t ‘fail’ in ‘getting the date’. But the interesting thing for me personally was the reaction to the video from people in my personal life; my friends, family, and fellow Psychologists. They seemed startled that I was making a video on ‘dating advice’! To be fair, I can understand why people who know me were taken back by the video! They probably think it means I’ve become some sort of ‘dating coach’. You know, someone who teaches men how to meet women and ‘get laid’. The truth is that I am anything but a ‘dating coach’. I couldn’t care less whether people I work with ‘get laid’. What does concern me however is the failure of society (and to a certain extent, the mental health profession) to discuss the silent desperation so many people experience when it comes to unfulfilling romantic matters. The crippling shyness, the fear-based manipulation, the inability of so many people to express themselves honestly with others. That does concern me, and that will always be something I will help my clients address. So, am I trying to help men be ‘successful with women’? Well, to answer that, we need to figure out what ‘success with women’ really means, at least for me. One thing I have come to understand is that the biggest fear most men have in life is not death, not lack of professional success, not money problems, not war. It’s none of those things. It’s something far more subtle and prevalent. It’s beauty.

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Let’s take a hypothetical situation. We’re going to pick the average man off the street. Now we’re going to give him two choices, and he must choose one. Option A is that he can join the army. He may be called upon to go into battle. He may get injured or even die. Option B is that he has to engage in conversation with 100 women he finds attractive. But he must be entirely open and honest regarding how they make him feel. Just that, nothing else. Which option do you think would most powerfully strike fear into his heart? From conversations and coaching I’ve done with men, the answer is option B. Most men would feel less anxious at the prospect of physical violence than they would at the prospect of being themselves with women they find attractive. At the very least, the physiological response to both options is identical. Both elicit a ‘fight or flight’ response. This tells me that something is very wrong in the way most men experience beauty. It makes them become fearful. This is something we need to talk about as a society! A sad truth is that society is not taking this psychological problem seriously. The only ones who do talk about it at all are seemingly those online ‘dating coaches’ people all too frequently belittle. But at least they’re talking about it! A shocking indictment of the mental health profession is that online ‘Pick up artists’ or PUAs have done more to make men feel understood than any other group.

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And that is a truly sad state of affairs indeed. It all comes down to political correctness and cowardice - playing it safe. The unspeakable subject of heterosexual male desire. That horrid, egocentric, misogynistic little problem that mustn’t be talked about. How juvenile and immature. It’s not something a serious, ‘respectable’ psychologist would give credence to. Meanwhile, multitudes of men go about their lives in quiet desperation, while the ‘respectable’ mental health profession goes on being respectable. Well at least the ‘dating coaches’ and PUAs are honest enough to address the elephant in the room! Is it really any wonder they talk about ‘escaping the Matrix’ so often? 'Escaping' referring to living a life of a person who is in touch with their desires and living from their truth. The 'Matrix' referring to the veil of denial society has erected, pretending not to see that so many men are living their lives as zombies. That’s not to say that most of the advice from ‘dating coaches’ or PUAs is good. It isn’t. While there are some excellent people working in this area, most of the advice to be found here is superficial and even damaging at times. It focuses on ‘getting’ more sex, approaching more (radical exposure therapy), texting tips, NLP hacks, etc. None of this stuff is of any real value in terms of addressing the underlying problem. Many men who have ‘success’ with women in this sense, never arrive at a place of feeling at ease in themselves regarding beauty. The real issue is that most men do not know who they really are. Due to constant social programming from birth, they have come to believe that their core masculine energy, rather than being a thing to be cherished and shared, is a liability. It’s seen as a thing to be overcome, something selfish or even dangerous. So, it must be hidden. Rather than something to be understood and tempered through rationality and empathy, it needs to be denied and placed out of sight entirely. It’s acceptable only in its most basic forms such as sports or stag parties. This is the pseudo masculinity that is pervasive in modern society. Success with women has nothing to do with how much sex a man has! Success with women is entirely based on how a man feels in the presence of a woman he finds attractive. When a man can appreciate beauty, and allow himself to be moved by it without devaluing himself, he has mastered this aspect of his life. Success with women is entirely based on integrating ones’ masculine energy to the point where it is never denied nor does it control him. So, I am not a ‘dating coach’. But I will talk about this issue for as long as I work with men. My role is to help men get in touch with their core masculine energy so they can share this part of themselves with those who are drawn to it and long to experience it. This involves integrating the most ancient part of man with the most recently evolved. And what a man that is to behold. Thanks for reading, David