Day 22

I am travelling for work today. Additionally, I just got paid. There is worry and anxiety in my body about gambling while I’m in a new space. I have a plan in place if I the urges become intense, but I don’t trust myself yet.

I have tried to frame not gambling as a practice in self-respect. I could gamble on my computer and no one would know. That used to be a convincing reason for me to gamble. However, I see clearly now that I will know if I gamble. I think only an addicts and highly compulsive people will understand the disconnection from self through lying and justification.

If I gamble, I will know. If I gamble, I will suffer. If I suffer, other people will suffer. Other people will want to numb because they suffer. I have planted a garden of suffering when I gamble. I no longer tend to this garden.
It is clear to me that I have substituted social risk-taking with compulsive gambling. I don’t have to explore an unknown city when I play poker on my computer. Rather, I’ve spent years sitting alone in a room playing poker against other people sitting alone in their room. I’m sure it would seem more risky to the average person to put thousands of dollars on the line rather than go explore a city by themselves. But I have been caught in a trap for over a decade. I am not the scared teenager I once was. I am capable of soothing myself when things become difficult, and I am capable of having fun.

Reconnecting with myself during recovery is so invigorating. I can see how life will be different in this path. I will grieve the missed opportunities of my youth, yet I will not continued to make the same mistakes which isolate me from people. That is too painful. Connection with others will be scary and painful too, but I know it will be better than being alone.

For anyone who thinks that their poker addiction or gambling addiction is a financial problem, I promise you it is not. It is the constant lying and scheming that eats away at the soul.

Some may read this and think: “this is just someone that sucks at poker.” You my be right. In fact, you are definitely right. It doesn’t matter the strategy that you employ in a game if you can’t leave until you lose. I’ve ran up 20-30 buy-ins at 2-5 plo only to lose it back immediately at 5/10 and 10/20. I’d make 30k and then think about how I should just turn it into 100k-200k. But I’m an addict. If I got there I’d try to turn it into a million, and then millions of millions.

I lived with the delusion that I was in control, and that I could stop. I see clearly that I am not, and that I can’t. I’m am in the beginning stages of acceptance that I could not make it in poker. That’s okay. I can live with that. I can see the other things that I offer to the world, and I will work to grow them.

I did not gamble today.

Today is a good day.